We ARE the Village
“It takes a village” is an African proverb. It means that we need to expand the number of people necessary to raise a child.
When you think about that in modern times, it extends to institutions. Kids are getting back to school which means parents are organizing the year – before/after school care, sports teams, clubs, play dates.
These days, the village is not consistently constructed like it was before, or may still be in other places. Instead, the village is constantly in a state of re-organization, being consistent for maybe only one school year at a time.
Our village may extend to our family, but that is not always the case these days. Families can be scattered across the country or the world. We may be there emotionally for one another when there’s a crisis, but day-to-day, not so much.
Western society is one of individualization. That means we are brought up to believe we need to do things on our own, independently. However, just because we are organized in that way does not mean it is the way that we thrive.
Everyone needs a village
There was a time in my life, especially my early days of being a single mom when I needed to constantly look for my village. In raising children, the proverb wisely guides us to rely on others. But what happens at other places in our lives?
Where is my village today?
Whether I am seeing a young 20-something who has recently left home or a parent who is contending with an empty nest, there is always a need for a village.
Dysfunction and childhood trauma can often force us into a place where we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, alone. We think that always has to be so.
Collectively, we’ve been taught a ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps’ attitude that makes it hard to ask for help.
Needing support can leave us feeling deficient in some way. As if the inability to do everything independently is a character flaw.
An ecosystem of symbiosis
We live in an ecosystem of symbiosis. We depend on one another for survival.
In the animal kingdom, there is something called obligate mutualism. It’s sort of an ‘I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine’ arrangement.
For example, Aphids live on our plants and make the honeydew. Ants come and eat the honeydew. In exchange for food, the Ants provide protection against other insects that might feed on the Aphids.
Humans are different.
Facultative mutualism means we could survive without each other, but we derive many benefits from working together. Think: honey bees and plants. Life is easier when we are working together for mutual benefit.
Who’s in your village?
There are so many situations we share in common where we may feel alone. As if we are the only ones struggling with something other people seem to sail right through.
This can be situational – finding a job, having or losing a baby, retiring.
It can also be a transitional time of life – married life (or life alone after marriage), puberty or menopause, or healing from a health issue.
In the world of social media, we often compare our difficulties and struggles with someone else’s highlight reel. It can feel incredibly lonely.
It’s important to cultivate our relationships before we need them. As someone we love is leaning on us, we strengthen. Then, we lean on them.
We can share resources too. I often find myself giving referrals to clients who are in emotional distress and need a professional village – naturopathic doctors, nurse practitioners, massage therapists, osteopaths, and other counselling therapists who specialize in what someone may need.
Creating Your Village
Recently I had a young woman who is away at university worrying about moving off campus with a group of friends. Although we may hope everything goes smoothly, there are some expectations to consider when you’re forming a group.
In adult education, we call it the Tuckman Model. Bruce Tuckman was a psychologist practicing in the 1960s who wrote a paper (1965) called, “Developmental Sequence in Small Groups” which described a typical path teams followed when they come together.
There are 5 stages to this process:
forming (coming together)
storming (working through the various challenges)
norming (gelling as a group)
performing (the substance of why they came together)
mourning (ending the group)
This may look different, depending on how long this group comes together. Sometimes, there are smaller groups that form as a result. This is how I met all my best friends!
My client may only be with this particular group for the length of the lease. However, they may all stay together longer, or form smaller groups for next year.
Either way, there is a lot of love and support, struggle and learning, that can come from this village experience.
Your Village aka Circle
Right now, who would you go to for support? Who is in your circle?
Start with a circle on a piece of paper and write your name. What are the things you do every day to support yourself (e.g. good sleep rituals, fruits & veggies, water, and other basics)?
Then, draw a circle around you. Who’s in there (e.g. partner, siblings, best friends)?
Keep going out from there. Friends may land in various places – some will be close and deep, some will be further out but people you can call if you need them.
There are also groups that come together for a particular purpose like grief support.
It is always important to know who we can count on. Even if you think you’re handling life just fine alone, it’s so much easier when you have people in your corner.
People who understand. People who see you. They may not do anything more than that. Very often, that’s enough.
