SMALL is a Trauma Response

Why it’s so hard to ask for help

It’s a natural part of life to feel uncertainty from time to time. When you find yourself at a fork in the road, it’s not always easy to know which way to go. Perhaps the fork comes because you’ve realized you’re on the wrong path—one you’ve been on for a while, expecting things to improve as you made your way forward.

There are still many of you who know me from years of working at the university. At this time of year, many students still reach out because they’ve finished their year with less-than-stellar results. We meet, but it’s all a little too late. Instead, we look forward to next year as we analyze where the wheels went off the tracks.

This uncertainty happens in jobs and relationships as well.

“When did you know you needed to leave this job?” I asked someone recently.

“About 6 weeks in!” they replied—after a couple of years of trying to make a wrong decision right.

Or you finally match with someone online and notice a bit of a spark. It feels so nice to connect with someone that red flags may be overlooked. (I call this the ‘baloney sandwich’ effect. We can be so starved for a relationship or a job that we will stick with the baloney for fear of going hungry again.)

Attachment Theory and Trauma

John Bowlby’s work in Attachment shows that you can learn to be avoidant or anxious depending on the response of those around you. If your needs are not met for some reason, you’ll adapt to your environment to survive.

Your survival instincts are automatic. Like muscles engaging as required when you learn to ride a bike for the first time—you might not be able to explain what is happening but at some point, you’re upright and riding.

Your nervous system is the same. You might not be conscious of what’s happening under the surface but you’re able to survive difficult situations. Sometimes you do so by making yourself small and unseen. This is a natural response to uncertainty or trauma.

Small means “I keep to myself, especially when I feel uncomfortable.” However, connection and support are what really help in these scenarios. Knowing your reaction to stressful circumstances is only the first step. Here is how to navigate asking for help if being small is one of your trauma responses:

Find Your Voice

It has taken a long time, but I have learned the difference between being an introvert (wanting time to process and think) and being avoidant (wanting to avoid completely.)

It has to do with my emotional state. If I feel numb, or I’m doing things to numb my emotions, that usually means I need help.

The last thing I want to do is reach out to someone. But, I do.

When you’re making yourself small in response to a situation or event, you don’t need to reach out to someone who will help you specifically process or talk things through. It could be going for coffee with a friend, hanging out with people watching a movie, or playing a game.

Connection is one of the tenants of a healthy nervous system.

Notice the signposts

There are almost always indicators that you are wading into the sea of insecurity.

Numbing your emotions or making them small could start with a craving for salty, crunchy treats. (Chips are my favourite way to be avoidant. What are yours?)

The young people I see are comfortable online, so doom scrolling or gaming may be a cue.

‘Just one more’ is a flashing red light on your life dashboard. Procrastination is avoidance.

That’s not to say that these actions to make your emotions smaller are always a bad thing. These things are great—in the short term.

What do we do when we want long-term results?

Behavioural Changes

While thoughts and emotions are automatic, and therefore hard to control, what we can control is our behaviour.

The very first thing to do is NOTICE.

Now that you have read about signposts, identify what yours are. You’ve been doing them all your life, now is the time to make note of them.

Notice first, then TRANSITION. Do something that changes the energy of the moment. I make a cup of tea. It is my last couple of moments before I get on with doing what I’m meant to do, like writing.

Use any of your FIVE SENSES as a transition tool – smell something energizing (citrus is awesome), wash your hands or put on lotion (touch), have a snack (taste), put on some music, or go look at nature for a few minutes.

If anxiety is keeping you from moving forward, cold water or an ice pack on your face can help bring it down. Do four rounds of 8-20 seconds of cold water on your face. Rest in between.

And BREATH. I say, “OK” as I breathe out. It really does help me get on with things. Then, once I’m doing the thing I’ve put off, I’m good. I can stick with it.

Move to the next thing.

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it!

If you have moved through these strategies and are still in a difficult spot, you’ll know you need help. Push yourself to do one thing that connects you to someone else.

The part of me that acts small and avoidant is little. She is a young part that may need the adult in me to reach out on her behalf. It is much easier to do things that support my inner or wounded child than for the adult me to ask for help.

Therefore the best thing to do is PRACTICE. When things are not unstable, reach out to a friend. Practice asking for things when you’re ordering coffee, like getting sugar on the side or asking to put your own cream in.

Asking for the small things we would normally avoid helps build our muscle memory so asking for help in situations becomes easier. Strengthen these skills in anticipation, as life will inevitably challenge us from time to time.